MOTHERSISTER Chronicles

Closer than a Brother

2006-11-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

My friend Margaux woke me up sobbing on the phone in my ear one Sunday morning last August. My business partner and I decided not to drive back to NY after vending our T-Shirts at the “Passion Fest” in Pennsylvania, so we stayed overnight in a rinky dink motel so as not to drive home in the dark. As I navigated through my morning brain fog into semi-consciousness, I began to hear what she was saying. I thought something tragic happened, but it turns out she just ran into ran into my youngest sons’ “dead-beat Baby Daddy” F. R. who was cleaning his car.
It disturbed her deeply that my son’s natural father never made an effort to come to his graduation a few weeks ago.
Now, as I reflect-this is tragic.
Of course my husband, my oldest son , my immediate family and close friends were at graduation, but Terrence from the Teen Organization that Kris belongs to also came. All of the important people in his life who love him came to his graduation, and I know it was special for him, but the person who would have made Kris really happy didn’t come, or call.
This is an all too common scenario today, and a sad commentary on the state of fatherhood in the African-American community.
I know way too many mothers that shoulder the parenting responsibility alone, the father either being absentee, or deadbeat.

The last time I was in court for child support, his father asked for a reduction in the child support order that he was already not honoring because he was now on “public assistance”. Never mind that he finds the money to go back and forth to Florida several times a year, and the money to buy his booze...
The judge reduced his payment to zero.
“Indefinitely?” I asked her in disbelief.
The indifferent judge looked at me and said “possibly” as she struck her gavel and dismissed the case.
And just like that, I lost any little faith I had in the justice system.

I am blessed to have made a decent living through my career designing,
and I am grateful to God to have wonderful men in my boy’s lives, but I am even more grateful to have a sister-friend like Margaux.
We can call each other and pray for whatever, but even more than that,
Margaux called this brother out on the carpet about not showing up at his son’s graduation. She totally confronted him about not calling or seeing his son. She told me verbatim excuse after excuse that he recited.
I was not surprised at all.
Kris is thirteen, and I can count on one hand how many long visits
he’s had with his dad.

Through her tears, Margaux was sobbing for my son, for her own sons, and for every sister in the same situation’s sons.
We go way back. In fact we met when I first became pregnant with Kris right after my mother passed away. I thought F.R. was a good friend until he totally abandoned me when I became pregnant. As a Christian, abortion was not an option for me-so I knew I’d have to go with God on my side…and by my side He has been. I don’t regret anything, and Kris is a wonderful blessing in my life. I know that there are scores of women that heva fallen into a similar situation.
Thinking about the wonderful support I’ve had from family, my church, and my friends brings tears to my eyes.

Friends do make a difference, and so this post is a tribute to my dear friend Margaux for the entire world to see. I sent her this e-mail the other day:

Thanks…
For being such a wonderful sister-friend.
You really touched my heart the other morning when I saw that my baby's pain touched you...
friends like you are hard to come by.
Thank you for caring so much for Kris.
Thanks for speaking your heart and mind to F____ representing Kris & me like that. Not everyone would get involved that way.
Don't worry-between you, me & God he has enough love to survive!!!!
(Like I said- I trust that God is gonna deal with these men when they meet Him face to face.)
May God richly bless you today and always.
I know I get busy & absent minded-but I only have the highest thoughts, wishes & regards for you.

XOXOXO

Jumping 2 Conclusions

2006-08-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

I rarely write about my marriage, but today I feel the urge.
My brother Tony and I speak daily, sometimes more than once.
Well Tony called my cell phone and asked me why no one answered
the house phone. I said it didn’t ring. He said-OK-maybe I dialed the
wrong number. Let me try again.
I let a minute or two pass and no ring. I picked up the receiver
thinking the ringer mechanism was broken, and I heard my husband
on the line, so I hung up the phone.
I called my brother back and started fussing about how annoying it
was that my husband didn’t answer his call, after all we DO
have call-waiting… and how he gets on my last nerve bla…bla…bla.
Later, when I went into the bedroom, hubby mentioned how he
had just gotten off the phone with the phone company complaining
about the big $200 mistake they made on my phone bill, and how
he corrected the mistake…
I hadn’t seen the bill, or paid attention to it.
My mind was taking things to a whole ‘nother level before
I even realized what was going on. I started a whole dialogue
with myself about all the things my
husband does to get on my nerves. My conversations
were deep!
Granted, he could have clicked over to my brothers’ call,
and said she’ll call you right back, I mean what do we have
call-waiting for? But when I think about the ultra long customer
service hold times I’ve experienced, I couldn’t blame him for
not wanting to take a chance switching over,
missing the rep’s answer, and having to start the
call all over again.

Made me think how many other times I have jumped to conclusions
and have been unjustifiably accusatory…even if in my own head.

Jesus was accused of all sorts of things. He just came here to save us from ourselves.
Lord, give us patience…help us not to judge too quickly, and to live by your teachings.

Verse:
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I COR.13:4-7

Following the Passion

2006-07-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

PassionFest July 8th, 2006

Our Flaunt the Faith venture is officially one year old this month.
Rasheeda and I were vendors at the Passionfest event in Pottstown, PA a few Saturdays
ago. It started out with a blessing- a wonderful lady named Dee came out of nowhere while we were just setting up our tent. “You look like you can use a hand,” she said, and she proceeded to help us set up our brand spanking new canopy.
Although we are “Sistas Doin it for ourselves” we are still girly girls and could use a hand.

“Where are your chairs?” she asked us.

Rasheeda and I looked at each other and realized that in our haste to get on the road, we had forgotten our chairs among a few other things. It was a 2.5 hr drive from Brooklyn, and it was going to be a long day in the sun…

Dee said she’d go to the 99-cent store and get some chairs for us. We both thought-what a great town with nice folks. We know we are no longer in NYC.
It seemed like Dee was back within minutes with chairs for the two of us-
If Dee went to the 99-cent shop, she picked out the top of the line chairs for us and we were able to rest our tired bones when not working…they were top of the line spectator seats with cupholders and everything!!!!!! Dee was our first customer, She bought a T-shirt, and just like that –she was gone…(thanks Dee may the Lord double the blessings back to you!!!)

The day started out a little slow as these festivals sometimes do…the crowds/customers tend to come in waves. We could see the extreme sports events taking place in the distance- the youth were making their way over to the green where skaters and bikers were doing their stunts. We had a relatively good day; -made some nice sales, made some great contacts, and had wonderful weather to boot.

We were feeling blessed that customers were commenting that they really liked our shirts-namely our designs and messages. We felt that we had accomplished our mission of creating tasteful designs that have a message about God.

A great day came to a perfect ending when exceeded our sales goal for the day, and we even made sales while we were packing up our boxes in the twilight dusk light.
Our new canopy and chairs was a cinch to put away and all was well.
Until we got on the road, that is…
No sooner than I turned the corner out of the Pottstown High School Field did I hear a funny familiar rattling sound. I drove a little further and stopped.
I took out my flashlight and sure enough we had a flat tire.
The road was pitch black, the town unfamiliar, the new Land Rover on loan from my husband-intimidating!!!Luckily, we were in close enough proximity to go back to get some help. Rasheeda walked back and grabbed some Passionfest security.

One thing about rural towns – there are lots of manly men who know lots about cars and trucks. This one man had a Land Rover himself and was able to help us out. They had our tire change done no time…a younger man of the three asked to say a prayer for us, and they all huddled around us and prayed for our traveling mercies.
It is an awesome thing to be in the company of other believers. We may not know one another, but we are truly one in the spirit.

My husband called triple A, and they came amazingly fast & reinforced the job.
We stayed at a motel in a nearby town, and hit the road in the morning….

We made a wrong turn in PA, which put us about 20 miles and ½ hr out of our way-but we made it back to NY safe and sound.

Dee wrote and told us that about one hundred teens came to Christ that day at the Passionfest.

We will continue to follow the passion…
Praise His Holy name!!!

Talk of the Town

2006-07-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

I just had one of those long conversations with my twenty- two year old. You know, one of those precious early Saturday chats when I caught him after sleeping in late, and in between phone calls and running out again.
He has always been one to speak his mind-but this day, he was particularly verbal.
I don’t know how we started on the topic-but I think he was reading some past blog entries and read a line from my entry called “Quality Time”. Justin has always told me what a great job I’ve done as a mom-but this time he didn’t hold back with some criticism. In “Quality Time”, I mentioned being guilty of not spending enough quality time with my boys. He was quick to point out how true that was with vivid illustrations.
We order food in a lot, and always have. I’m sorry, but except for weekends I have gotten home too late to cook. Working in the garment industry, I had to travel a lot-and work many late nights. When my mother was alive, she cooked for us, and as a single mother, I had to keep my career going. I was driven to buy some property, and to make a better living for my boys who both attended Parochial Schools.

I grew up in the housing projects. My family didn’t even own a car. My parents both only had a sixth grade education. My father, a native of Virginia, met my mother, a filipina during World War Two while he was stationed in the Philippines. He brought his “war-bride” home to Brooklyn…to the projects.
So please excuse me for wanting more. For wanting to own a home. A car. For wanting to make a good living to keep my sons in private school. Excuse me, please, for making up for the “deadbeat “ dad’s not in "your" lives.
Whatever time was left, I went to the gym, took us to church, made sure you all were entertained.

During the conversation, Justin wasn’t ungrateful-just matter of fact. He mentioned also how through the years, many other kids always got a ride from their parent’s to and fro, and I was always busy “doing my hair” or something…

A twinge of guilt hangs over my head today. He’s right. I was there as much as I could be, but hardly there for home cooked meals. His friends made fun of how much my family ordered in, and how I never drove him places.
The guilt passed quickly as I pondered the good stuff he always tells me:
“You are the greatest mother in the world! I am the outgoing “chick magnet” that I am because of you!!! I know how to get around and be independent because of you!!! You are my Hero!!! You leave me with some very big shoes to fill, and they are high heels!!!”
So talk on, folks. Although I might be too dead and beat to cook at the end of the day, at least I am not a "dead beat" mom.Yes, you were fed, and clothed and housed...quite nicely-and loved, I might add. Oh, and remember when I took you to Paris when you were three? And through it all, you are some of the most emotionally balanced, and socially adjusted kids I've ever seen raised in the hood. So I ain't mad at myself!

In life, there is the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I see the ugly and sometimes it is me.
I look into the face of God, and He reminds me who I am in Him.
We have to face the ugly to move forward and make progress.
I thank God that our past does not define our future….

Use as Needed

2006-07-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

Kris has been away at Basketball camp in Pennsylvania exactly twelve days today, and not even one phone call.
OK, I broke down the day before yesterday and called Debbie at the camp office to see how he was doing, and to make travel arrangements back to New York. Debbie assured me that no news is good news.
Granted, I sent Kris to camp to get him out of the city for a while, and to have him learn to be independent. But at least a phone call…
I guess no news really is good news.
This is probably how God views us. We call him when we need him, barely checking in to have a conversation. We know how find Him, and in emergency situations, we are in his face - beseeching Him day and night. But as soon as the fire is put out- it is back to business as usual. But God knows our flaws because we are his children.
So with Kris, I ‘m sure I’ll hear from him tomorrow when it’s time to pick him up from from the station.
He is my child…I am not mad at him.

Back to Square One

2006-06-24T06:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I’m back for a month now, and the vacation reverie has totally worn off. Back to the stressful job, my youngest just graduated and is going to High School, and I’m trying to keep my wits & cool as I deal with my own personal mid-life crisis issues…
I also have a Christian T-shirt business (www.flauntfaith.com) that I am trying to garner business for. Things are rather slow right now. It’s kind of discouraging, but I will keep the faith, and keep plugging away-no matter how bleak things look at times.
I believe that God has given me the vision, and He will provide. I don’t believe he allowed us to come this far to fail.
My accountant said that the first year is usually the hardest, and that you will indeed spend a lot of money to make money. I’m finding this true.
So yes, I am in the struggle of the juggle of a demanding career, family life, and trying to grow a small business…
This blog started as an offshoot of my Flaunt the Faith website. I was to originally chronicle my business experiences good and bad, but it ended up being more of a personal journal. Writing has become a catharsis for me, and for many others who blog.
Well right now I’m having my first production disaster. I have faced many of these crises in the garment industry where I have worked for several years, but this is my own crisis.
My printer made a mistake, and now one of my orders is late. We might have to give a refund on this order. Right now as a growing business, we can use every order we can get. But there are always challenges in the business world.
I guess you deal with it and move on. Lord, help us to remain strong in the faith and not give up as we run Flaunt the Faith.
Through the many years of my Christian walk, and through the ups and downs, the Oswald Chambers daily devotional “My Utmost for His Highest” has proven to be a timeless classic & always right on time. This one speaks to my current challenge:
“Faith to Persevere”
http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php?day=08&month=05

I hope this helps a brother or sister facing any challenge…have a blessed day!!!!

Safe and Sound

2006-05-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

It is 12:30 AM and I just got back from spending a much-needed de-stress, de-tox vacation time away with my dear friend Anneliese who lives in Tacoma, Washington.
She moved from New York to Tacoma to go to school about two years ago, and for now it is her home.
As I write, the birds are chirping outside my window loud and boisterous, as if to welcome me back and also herald in the burgeoning spring & warm weather.

I am not the person I was when I left New York last Thursday.

On Saturday, we took I-99 and drove up to Vancouver, where we spent two decadent days Thrift Shop hopping, and eating in reckless abandon. I knew that I would start my diet when I returned, and Anneliese said that Vancouver has some of the best Chinese food around,
and so we ate our way around town sampling a piece of it’s multi-culturalism:
Samozas & honey balls for a mid-day snack, Salt baked Squid, Tilapia fish for Dinner, and Eggs & Home fries for Breakfast.
(Not necessarily in that order!)

From Mount Rainier serving as a backdrop while driving in Seattle & Tacoma, to the gorgeous tree topped mountains along the scenic winding road on the way up to Vancouver, the only word that comes to mind is magnificent. I wanted to take it all in and not feel like I was rushing to do anything.

The beauty of it all was just that: the beauty of it all - God’s gorgeous earth.
Even though the weather was slightly overcast on most days, the beauty just couldn’t be suppressed.

For me, the highlight of the trip to Vancouver was when we made a wrong turn, and ran smack into a Salvation Army Thrift Store. We were at a stop light and a brown skinned weathered looking man who looked like he stepped right out of the pages of National Geographic magazine crossed in front of the car with what seemed to be all of his possessions on his back, and a Husky sleigh dog in tow.

“Looks like he just arrived from Alaska.” I said.

“And here comes his lady!!!” said Anneliese.

Sure enough, his lady was following, not too far behind, with her own possessions,and her very own Husky by her side!
I was so in awe of the moment, that I did not have the presence of mind to jump out and shoot some photos of this Indigenous pair.
No matter. The images are forever etched in my mind.

The drive back to Tacoma was just as beautiful, and the weather was perfect.
By this morning I could actually say, “mission accomplished”.
It takes a few days to totally de-stress from a New York state of mind.

I feel that I have gained the clarity to move forward towards my purpose, and on the path that the Lord has laid out for me.
Good times with a good friend and good food in a beautiful city were just what the doctor ordered!!!!

Thank you Lord, for your traveling mercies, for your healing power & for bringing me back safely to my loved ones…

Verse:
“The heavens declare the glory of the God; and the firmament shows his handywork:.”
Psalms 19:1

Quality Time

2006-05-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

You should be nice to everyone, you never know who someone might turn out to be later in life. The janitor that you were mean to might hit the Mega Lotto, and buy out the company you now work for.

This is the type of philosophy I grew up with: don’t show off, don’t be a loud mouth, respect your elders (if you live long you’ll be old one day.) Think about others & don’t be selfish.
In hindsight, these were just Biblical principles in simple terms taught to Baby Boomers in our day;
the days when most mothers stayed home while fathers went to work.

Since we are in a post-Christian era, those teachings seem to have disappeared.
We are all just too busy to teach these lessons to our family.
In our fast paced lives we barely have time to brush past our children on our way out the door to work.

I was listening to Focus on the Family this past week & Dr. Dobson said that just five meals a week together with your family would make a difference in a male child’s emotional stability. I counted two meals with my family this week. The one where I took my plate and ran to check my e-mails doesn’t count. Perhaps the ones where we eat and watch American Idol at the same time don’t count either, or do they?
Either way, I am guilty of not spending quality time.

Lord, help us to slow down and recognize the things that are of eternal value in our lives and in our childrens’ lives.

Verse:
“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”
Galatians 6:9

Kiss it up to God

2006-05-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were little, and you dropped a cookie on the floor-how you just would kiss it up to God-and no diseases or cooties ever harmed you?
Well, That’s the same principle I use when my young adult children, teenagers, or nieces & nephews make foolish decisions & choices. Just like I did when I was their age.

Seeing that I cannot follow around behind them all day with a stick shouting “No-don’t do this “ or “That person is bad news!” I just have to trust that God, through His infinite wisdom, ministering angels and the Holy Spirit is guiding them gently back to their senses, no matter what foolish things they do. Just like I did.

When your son or daughter is dating someone that is not right for them, just kiss them up to God (after the lectures) because no talking or preaching you do will ever make them change their mind.
You can talk for years, but all it takes is one of their peers to say the same thing you have been saying and suddenly they have an epiphany and give credit to someone else…
after all of your hard work.

I know you’ve been there too…dated the guy that would surely break your heart, hung around with the wrong crowd etc. in spite of your mother’s warnings.
And he broke your heart. And you got in trouble.

I have learned that each child learns in their own way, at their own pace, and so I say a prayer…and kiss them up to God. Just like my mother did for me.
He’ll take care of them-like he took care of me.

Verse:
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6

Ms. A

Junk Mail

2006-04-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

I’m on my last leg.
Like an old car chugging along- over heated, fuming…finally coming to a halt.
Then the driver emerges to give the old car a push to the side of the road…
You get the picture.

At least that’s how I feel today.
Sensory overload. That’s it.
Especially since I found out a tidbit of news that got me really depressed.

In addition to the fact that I am the one that carries everyone else:
The kids
At the office
In the marriage
In the business I am running

Complaining? No.
Yes.

I think I’ll just take a little afternoon catnap.
Things will be brighter after a little rest…
But before I do - I’ll sort through the junk mail that has been piling up for
a few weeks now. No one else will tackle it.

I pick up a newsletter from Times Square Church.
I open it, and several pages fall out but I read one.
At the very end of the letter Pastor Carter Conlon says:

“You might not feel worthy or strong today, yet in the power of Christ’s love, an incredible plan of God waits to be revealed through you. Take heart and do not despair.More awaits you through Jesus than you could EVER imagine.This is God’s word for you today.”

God’s word for ME today.

Boy, I needed that…. Thank You Lord!!!!!!!!!
The lover of my soul is the one who gives me the push I need all the time.

Guess it’s not all junk mail.

Divine Timing

2006-04-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

God does order our steps-I am sure of this.
I once again got a glimpse of His Divine Providence this weekend by being at the right place at the right time…let me explain.
It was a nasty Saturday here in New York; in fact it felt like fall when last week held the promise of spring with glorious weather. I did not feel like trekking to the gym at all. I dragged my butt anyway because I want to shed these pounds by summer & the only way to do so is with consistency.
After my workout, I grabbed a quick bite, but I was still hungry-so after I made my usual rounds to the health food store I stopped at Hale & Hearty Soups and ordered a small Senegalese Chicken soup. I took a seat facing the front window next to an older woman. I noticed four men that came in together and they took a seat on the other side of the woman I was seated next to. “May I take this chair?”one of them
asked the woman who was seated alone-She replied-“You can have the table too, I’m leaving.” They were delighted & one of them attempted to take her tray to the garbage but she refused. (Definitely not New Yorkers, I thought to myself) as I ate my soup, and I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. They spoke of the things of God, and of a conference they had just come from. And after I heard one of them bless the food,I knew that they, too, were believers in our Lord Jesus Christ.
I always carry my Flaunt the Faith business cards with me, but this morning I changed my gym bag & only found one of the initial home made ones.
I had to share my faith-based T-Shirt business www.flauntfaith.com with these gentlemen. Then I realized that I was wearing my "Jesus is My Guru" T-Shirt, and that was a sales pitch in itself. I introduced myself to these men of God, told them my story, they told me theirs.They prayed for me and my business concerns, and I prayed for their ministry right then and there in the middle of Hale and Hearty Soups. Divine spiritual connections were made as we all acknowledged whom we serve, but Divine business connections were also made as we all exchanged our business information.
Being in business is not easy-but being a Christian in business requires an extra dose of faith.

I just received my injection…

I could have gone into McDonald’s for a Filet of Fish, and they could have
gone into Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee, but the fact remains that we were ordered by God to meet at that place at that time for His purpose- whatever that might be.
As I departed, I asked when they’d be heading back home to Nashville & Texas respectively, and they said they would be leaving for the airport right after this meal.
Talk about being at the right place at the right time! His time.
God's timing is always perfect.

And by the way, I was right–they were not New Yorkers!

Verse:
“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16

Inevitable

2006-04-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

Inevitable?
No, it’s not living in fear.
I chose not to live that way after seeing my mother suffer from what I now know was depression and paranoia. If they had Celebrex or Paxil back then, she might have gotten some relief. She was afraid of everything, poor thing - God rest her soul.
They say fear is “false evidence appearing real”.
No, this IS real.

It is inevitable that at least seventy-five to eighty percent of Black males will be handcuffed or see central booking at least once in their life before the age of twenty-five, no matter where you live in the US, guilty or not.
We live in Brooklyn, and Justin testified to this fact. He is the only one in his crew that has not seen the inside of a squad car.
“That’s knowledge I do not want to have! ” he recently told me.
Perhaps, thank God, that’s why he has never seen it, and I hope he never will.
But for many, it is a badge of honor…and induction into manhood…your fifteen minutes of fame and notoriety when you return to the streets from a stint in jail for robbery, murder or whatever.
Hood hugs from the brothas, and gleaming eyes from the honeys that wanna be your ride or die chick…

Thankfully, no man in my family has ever been in jail.
I grew up in the housing projects, and somebody’s brother or uncle was always in jail for something. “So & so just got out!!”
When you saw “so & so” again, he was a shadow of his former self. Blankness existed in him that you could not put your finger on.
“So & so” was usually back in jail a few more times after that.

I saw the movie “Crash” last night.
The role Terrence Howard played when the cops pulled him over was one of the most riveting I have ever experienced. I felt like I was physically with him both times. He became what was expected of him the second time he was stopped by the cops. The first encounter made his raw emotions and anger inevitable…

As a young black man living in difficult circumstances, where do you go when there is nowhere to go?
Who do you talk to when there is no one to listen?
How do you let go of the pent up energy & frustration when there is no place to channel it?

I don’t have the answers, but I feel that the burden is mine…

Lord, help me to be meaningful to some one today... to point them in the right direction. To speak a kind word into their hardened world….
In Jesus name, Amen.

Almost Home

2006-04-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

3.31.06
He made it.
Another Birthday.
22 years old today. Praise the Lord. Thank You, Father.
A young Black male, in the bowels of the city - just living life. Just finding himself, like any other young male in the USA.
Well, not exactly….
The playing field is hardly level for a black male at any age, let alone one between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five. ( There was an interesting article about the plight of young African-American men today. Read it at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12154123/ )
But for today, I am thankful to God to see another birthday…….

Verse:
“Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever…”
Psalm 23:6

It’s a Family Affair

2006-03-29T22:11:00.000-08:00

“One child grows up to be somebody who just loves to learn and another child grows up to be somebody you just love to burn.”
Sly Stone “It’s a Family Affair”

It is no secret that long gone are the days when an issue between two guys can be settled with a simple fist fight beat down. Today, especially in the hood, there is no such thing. Looking at someone’s girl the wrong way, or a simple dispute can easily mean a death sentence. Being “dissed” is the ultimate provocation,and I hate to say that I personally know more than a few mothers whose sons never made it to their twenty first birthday.

I just got off the plane from a business trip in L.A. & Justin called me at the airport, welcoming me back home as he always does. Everything was swell. I dropped my bags off & went to get my hair done at the Dominican hair salon. (They are the absolute best for straight hair styles) Anyhoo, I called Jus to ask him something – he’s at school & he starts babbling. I know the sound. The tone. I feel the menacing anger bubbling under, reaching the top as he mumbles almost incoherently about what transpired with the person with whom he has a beef. I know this anger. I have seen it before, and it is frightening. It is the anger of no return. It is the murderous adrenaline that blinds many a young man’s sensibility, leaving them powerless to walk away from a potentially fatal situation.

Is this my same baby boy that can charm a whole room when he walks in?
Is this my Jus that everyone says is such a respectful young man?

Someone said something nasty about him and his best friends. This person was talking some crazy stuff about them..and so after class-he is planning to set this person straight. What does that mean?

There is a fever pitch bordering on hysteria. Composure lies dormant somewhere in the distance. He is not listening to a word I am saying. “Walk away from it” I hear myself say. “Forget about it - remember what Pastor Bernard says- “It’s about the choices we make”…from minute to minute… Please don’t do anything foolish—you never know who has a gun”.

An African- American mother must necessarily hold her breath until her son reaches his twenty fifth birthday. And even then she still cannot fully exhale. He is an endangered species-nearing extinction. If he is educated, has a job, never been in jail, and not a baby daddy of two different mama’s dramas, he is an exotic rarity indeed. Sad stats, but true.

I am blessed that Justin is such a breed, but not without imperfections. His
hot temper is one of his weaknesses that I find myself praying about most often. I am blessed that I can call on my family to help in the time of need. I call my brother Tony while I‘m under the dryer and plead : “Call Justin & calm him down, tell him don’t do anything stupid! “ Tony also prays with me right then & there. I love this practice of his, I feel immediate divine intervention instead of him just saying “I’ll say a prayer.” He then calls and leaves Justin a message of admonition.
I also call my brother Mike, but he’s not available-so I leave him a message about what happened-and to please call Jus.
Now Justin is surrounded by family on all fronts with reminders that we are there watching, waiting, warning…
Family is truly a blessing.
I always ask for the Lord’s hedge of protection around my children,my family and friends children, but I especially ask Him to grant them wisdom in every situation. I visualize God’s protecting angels around them.

I’m sitting at the computer as usual around 10PM and Justin walks in from class, and kisses me on the forehead like nothing ever happened.I partially exhale.

What happened? I ask.

I told him to be there when I get out of school, and the guy didn’t show up.

So is everything OK?

Yeah- I straightened it out. It’ll be iight.

And so, I breathe easy and exhale tonite. My African-American son made it through another day in New York City. Maybe he was listening after all.

Tomorrow is another deep breath.

Thank you,God,for answered prayer, and for each new day you allow us. Help us not to take anyone or anything for granted.

I pray for mothers who think they have nowhere to turn, and might not have a support system. God hears every utterance, every whisper.

Verse:
“God is our refuge and strength,a very present help in the time of trouble.”
Psalm 46:1

“What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear, what a privilege to carry…everything to God in prayer ”
Classic Christian Hymn

Ode to Mama (or A Moy’s Life)

2006-03-28T20:38:00.000-08:00

“A Moy is guy that is partly boy & not quite a man.” Kristian Winfield

I know I am not alone.

I knew it when I started talking to S- - - - on my A Train commute to work. I was reading Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life one day & we struck up a conversation that evolved into a discussion about having teenage sons. Her son is 14, mine is 13. When we started comparing notes-it was as if we no longer had to speak-just telepathically beam the same language into each other’s brains & all was understood. A sigh of exasperation between us spoke volumes…. Our boys’ had the exact same issues: underperforming in school, laziness stubbornness, messy rooms, not handing in homework on time, not caring about the quality of school projects, obsessed with video games…good kids, though, according to “hood” standards, but not good according to our standards. Maybe they are just typical teenagers, but Ugggh!!! We are sisters in the struggle of raising African-American Sons in a time of instant gratification & moral landslide. S---is a single mother, but I am married & it is still a struggle. We are weary souls-overworked,underpaid,underloved & overwhelmed. What can we do?????

Sure we pray, and lift each other’s burdens up. We rely on God’s grace daily- but I’ve heard many ministers say that God requires that we pray, and then we ACT. But I’m serious; these days I don’t know how to act!!!!

At work, I am Creative Director managing a design department of six, distinctly different personalities, each bringing something different, yet valuable to the table. But each one is different. The job is very stressful nonetheless what with crazy deadlines and all.

Then I come home, weary & worn & have to deal with a pubescent/adolescent son who is just plain LAZY. Is this the fruit of my own mothering style? I think NOT. But then, I think SO. Justin, my oldest son who will be 22 soon put it best: “You are a director, but you’re not an “enforcer”. (Well hindsight is 22 & kicked me right in the butt!!!) BINGO!!!! Yup. That’s why I am the same person in my profession- a director…but I expect my staff to be responsible, each for his own role. So I expect my kids to be responsible for what I tell them to do!! I am too darn tired to keep running after you to check to see if you did what I said…I could barely keep up with my own to do list!!!!! Sheesh!!!!!!!

So since law enforcement is not my forte, it is difficult for me to impose these laws on those who are not self-directed. Like I was. Like I am. (When I was coming up-nobody showed me how to do my homework, or projects, I just made sure they were done & done well. My parents only had elementary school education & knew nothing about my school projects.) But my dad was the “enforcer” in the home. We had just better do it…whatever “it” was.

That is the problem today there is a lot of single mothers playing the role of mom & dad. There is no “enforcer” around for our man-child. And for those of us who are married, the enforcer type husband is a rare commodity giving way to metrosexuals, and higher income-producing wives who wear the pants by default. The woman has become the man, and no wonder everyone is all confused and tired!!! This is surely not how God planned it. Is it?

God places people in our lives for a reason and I met S_ _ _ _ _ on the train on that day at that time so that we could share experiences. The next time I ran into her she told me how much the TMO (Teen Male Organization) at the local church was helping her son. It is a wonderful program where some dedicated Brothers meet with teen boys in the neighborhood on Friday nights.

Kris has been attending since December and is loving it. They sit & talk about a lot of things school, friendship, I’m sure sex, girls (though Kris hasn’t mentioned this to me yet-but it’s OK) and the beautiful thing is it is coming from a male perspective with spiritual guidance. Something that we mothers could never do for our boys. Thanks TMO. Thanks S_ _ _ _ _. Thank you, Lord….

Verse:
“According to the eternal purpose which He accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him.”
Ephesians 3:11-12

My Hustle, check it out: